All things cheese in France

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

Cheese Addict’s 12 Steps to Recovery

ParisUpdate-cheese-addictionHere is an amusing take on the recent blahblah about cheese being the new crack! In the Paris Update, a weekly Paris guide edited by Heidi Ellison, I found this funny column written by one of her contributers: David Jaggard, apparently a cheesehead of the first order.

In his article French Cheese: Confessions of a Casein Addict he kindly provides the rest of us with a 12 step program for cheese addicts.  Read the entire article, it is funny but here are his 12 steps for you to contemplate while endulging in your habit:

1. Admit that you, by yourself, are powerless over cheese. You also need a knife.

2. Believe in a power greater than what you have now — somewhere out there is a cheese that’s even more potently malodorous than anything you’ve ever smeared on bread. If only you could find it.

3. Make a decision to turn your life over to God as you understand Him, by which you understand Casomorphin.

4. Make a searching and fearless inventory of your moral shortcomings. Or, since that’s a drag, of the nearest cheese shop.

5. Admit to yourself, to Casomorphin and to another person, namely the cheese shop clerk, the exact nature of your uncontrolled cravings. Along with how much of each one you want.

6. Be fully ready to have Casomorphin remove any compunctions you might have about asking to sample dozens of different cheeses before buying.

7. Humbly beseech Casomorphin to keep delivering His opiate high without ruining your cholesterol levels or waistline.

8. Make a list of all the persons you have harmed in the past by breathing on them right after a big bite of gorgonzola.

9. Make direct amends to those people by inviting them over for fondue.

10. Continue to take regular personal inventories of your cheese stock and, when it falls low, promptly admit it. And (duh!) go buy more.

11. Seek through prayer (for more grocery money) and meditation (on the locations of various cheese shops) to improve, and indeed maximize, your communion with Casomorphin.

12. Having had a spiritual, or, failing that, gustatory awakening as the result of these steps, carry this message, and a cheese knife, everywhere you go.

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